Saturday, February 18, 2006

Really we have a SIGN

We really do have a sign!
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Okay so I do do dishes but the view out the window is of the old truck and garden shed ( both are old and broken down) Anyway I was just talking to myself about the bumper stickers and signs I'd use ...If I could....

I'm here what more do want?

Was I suppose to answered that?

Boys bathroom sign behind the big tree ( what is it about peeing outside all the time?

Hey city slicker shut the gate

Please, please don't make me tell you what I think

If is is going to happen, it'll be here

Are you STILL talking?

And to think I'm the normal one

easy for you to say, you don't live here.

Check back with me when your not stupid

There is just not enough coffee

And your stunned?

You go first

Your from the city aren't you?

Imagine you got here without help

If you can complain you can work

Are you a resent addition?

When will it all stop

At least I get to leave

Your life is not a reality show yet?

Please tell me I'm sleep walking

are you a test subject?

Is that your brilliant solution?

I have chickens that are smarter

This is not the only funny farm

If you all want yet more from the the farm life humor check out this blog....I spent over forty minutes in the house cracking up. The two cats are now convinced I am just a little off not that they already thought I was near normal

I am hoping farmwife will see that life is not just insanely funny here and that I do not hold an exclusive to the wild crazy life on a ranch or farm....or in life

Morning Chores

It is so very cold, I finally get dressed after 2nd cup of coffee.... Trying to get warm inside enough to feed and do the chores of the morning. As I dress I wonder if the hand warmers in the barn would help if I shoved them into my bra....Or better yet have one of those hot flashes hit... I'm forever getting them at night when I least need it... Okay back to the morning.... I'm looking much like the Michelin man and the flannel shirt under the barn jacket are on, I attempt to put flashy boots on but can not bend over as the layers of clothing make it impossible. I remove my gear put boots back on and open the kitchen door to only feel as if I will be flash frozen like a chicken breast....Holy moly it is so cold....This is just not right....The Pacific northwest is just not use to this.....I get the feed and head to horses....Latch is frozen and I have to give it a hard knock... The horses usually greet me with excitement, today they are plotting on how to get me... It is clear that they are hating me and the evil cold. The Alpacas are peeking out of the house. They are covered with a thin coat of frost.... I check the Barn and find the 1000 gallon stock tank frozen over....The koi too I know are plotting against me. I come to the conclusion that I should just stay in as it would be pointless to try and be the frozen farm fairy.... I love the early mornings, cleaning horse paddocks in the peace and quiet. I will do them after it gets over 30 degrees... Little hope of that as it is 16 degrees.....I will put second coat of paint on hallway walls and be content that I am doing something.....

Bumper Stickers

  • On the road, singing along to the radio ( the only place no one can hear me) my little mind wonders and Iread the tails of cars....Here are a few that have cracked me up..

  1. On huge cowgirl truck: my other ride is your son
  2. On small sports car: your the only one laughing
  3. On very dirty work van: Also available in white
  4. Large caddy: Are you sure you want to be back there?
  5. On red jeep: you are living proof cowboys humped buffalo
  6. On beat up car: This was a loaner car
  7. Blue car with a blond: I want to go back to last week.
  8. Young man's car (loud Music) : can you hear me now?
  9. New car: Keep back 200 feet - I have no brakes
  10. mommy van: If you get that close I'll change your diaper
  11. On old lady's car: Is it too late to change my mind
  12. On SUV: And to think I woke up for this
  13. On desk at the PUD: If you insist on talking to me bring coffee
  14. On a huge horse trailer: My horses are smarter than your grandkids.
  15. Sign on barn: As a matter of fact I was born in a barn, shut the damn door!
  16. Dented car in parking lot: Are you sure you want to park next to me?
  17. On small sports car: How did you ever make it this far?
  18. Black SUV: Yes, I am ALWAYS this cranky!
  19. On truck:
    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege
  20. On small car: Is it time to hibernate yet?

Friday, February 17, 2006

Misses Piggle Wiggle

I was told by my Husband that I was not to work outside again today.."Honey just rest" Okay now we all know better I am resting at 10am becoming completely comatose...I decide I shall indeed spend day inside, right after I do a load of laundry. I come back up stairs and look to my left then to my right okay this resting stuff has got to stop. I run to barn get some paint supplies and the shop vac and leaf blower. Why you are asking am I getting a leaf blower it is the dead of winter..And your suppose to be inside!!! Well because if I'm going to paint I need to BLOW OUT all the dog and cat hair out of the room I'm about to paint. This idea all started when my friend gave me a book several years ago called Misses Piggle Wiggle.....Now Paloma is an amazing girl, a wonderful friend and a very good mom....I looked at her with my "what, who me? " look and opened a page read and started to giggle... It is clear why I should be the new owner of these pages... New ideas are always fun for me... I asked why I needed this book and SHE gave me the " are you kidding me" look. I realized why almost two seconds after the look.... At the time I live in a rather uppy puppy area of a city several miles north of Seattle. It is mid summer and I have mowed and watered the plants,and trimmed off the dead flowers. The blue sky of the Pacific Northwest is warm and friends often show up at the house one days like this... Well one arrives when I have all the windows and doors wide open I have the leaf blower on and do not hear her come in, yes I have the blower in the house!!! I had decided it was time to clean out the dryer vent...I have undone the silver hose and shoved the blower deep inside the vent....Hold the trigger down and I am very certain that the powerful blower will clear anything that maybe lodged along the 40 feet of hose that exits out the back of the house. I happily move to the kitchen knowing full well that after two years I should clean the dust bunnies from the back of fridge...YES, with the same blower....I am talking to my friend while I remove the cover that is on the front of the fridge, the one by the floor.... I press the trigger and I am rewarded with every last piece of dirt that is behind and under the fridge. All goes flying up the back of fridge and over the top floating silently in the air and covering me head to toe. At this point we are both laughing....It then hits me that if this has happened inside what did the dryer vent produce....To my utter surprise the green grass that I have just mowed and watered is now covered with the Downey contents of the dryer vent. The passion flower vine is covered with it and the mess... I ponder how to clean the yard....The house is clean as I have chased all the stuff out the back door.... Yes, using the said blower. I now hook up the shop vac and suck the passion vine... The flowers are torn and the puffs are for the most part off. I am then faced with the grass....I empty shop vac and and try to blow the stuff to a corner of the yard...It only makes a bigger mess...My friend can not or will not stop her giggles... I take the shop vac and hose and add the wide plastic attachment and proceed to vacuum the grass...It really never did get it all despite my efforts....That night Paloma calls to find out what I did all day !!! I give her the blow by blow and she is rolling with laughter and calls me Misses Piggle Wiggle from that point on... She has repeated this story to many....Adding that she could not help herself when she came upon the book in a book store... I am certain she made a special trip to give me the BOOK! As if I need anymore wild ideas..I have managed too have plenty of my own. Including trying in vain to dig out a large round evergreen.. It would not budge even after most of the roots dug out...So I not one to ask for help took a large rope tied it to the bush and hooked the other end to the back of the SUV... I give it a few knots to make sure the rope will not slid off the bush...I start rig back up a few feet and then stomp on the gas, I lunge forward...Still not budging...I back up once again put about 6 feet of slack and again pull forward...In slow motion I see the bush flying over the hood and as if a slow cartoon it comes right back from where it had been, it then comes back over the hood , bounces off that and into the middle of the street. I get out and pull the whole dirty mess to the sidewalk...I am covered with dirt and torn evergreen pieces....Planning on getting the broom I turn to get it and the whole street is full of people laughing and applauding...I turn the reddest red possible for only 5 minutes prior I had seen no one...

Vet Making Ranch visit

Doctor Mike making a ranch call...This man is the only reason our dog is still here with us...
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Lucky Lucy and Jazmine
Okay now we all know that the cat and dog sleep together...But we also have a single sheep, Lucky Lucy who was rescued off the freeway and one pygmy goat ( Jazmine) who loves Lucy....They eat together, sleep together and chase each other around the pasture. Jazmine also is cleaning the face and the ears of this sheep...Could it get any stranger around here? The other goat likes the horses and Alpacas but would rather be with people...She thinks she is a dog and would be happier inside with Buluga and Thomas..Slinky the other cat would like it if no one was here at all. I imagine one day I will find Shadow, the fat black goat sleeping with Jezzy...

Finally Friday

Well the big chill is more like a big frost...23degrees is far more bearable then the -14 degrees my poor husband has to deal with. At least all the outdoor chores will be warmer than I feared.. And I have decided to share the crazy rubber boots.... Everyone who knows me roars with laughter as these are so not me..... Now for this morning I GOT TO SLEEP FOR ALMOST 8 1/2 HOURS!!!! My husband left 3 phone calls last night wondering if the ranch had swallowed me into some abyss. I called him at 5am knowing he would be worried, I having some guilt for turning off the phone assured him I was safe and just NEEDED the sleep...We spoke of this when he realized that I have not slept this much since we have been married...

Other news of the week...My husband made the back page of the local news paper were he is working...A half page about the damn and all the work going on. Mind you this paper is a whopping 12 pages total and over half of that is just full of ads...He is on knees welding and have a good time doing it.... So much for the Artic freeze....

Thursday, February 16, 2006


Okay one of my very best friends came to visit...Twice in the same week..Today she had her grown daughter with her...J works at the post office and a tanning salon...She is very sweet and very pretty and usually very smart...We both joke about how God likes the dumb ones...Anyway she is her with Linda and we go out to visit the horses first J has camera and apples...And I open up the round pen that is not yet had it's daily cleaning yet and look down to notice J has on open toed summer sandals..She KNOWS this is a ranch....She too KNOWS that the 3 horses weigh at least a 1000# Playboy comes in at 1200#......I offer one of the many pairs of boots including my new polka dots....A stern warning goes out to her and I allow city chickie who will kiss any living creature on the planet earth go on in....Now we all know that horses are motivated by FOOD...And she has 5#'s of rosy red apples....Horses crowd her and she remains unaware of the hoof's that are just a few inches from her granola cruncher leather sandals... Somehow no one has told J that it is well below40 degrees and at the very moment that the sun goes behind a tree it will be far colder..We finally go out to pasture containing goats, sheep and all the Alpacas...She allows Shadow to climb and kiss on her..I still can not believe she is in those damn shoes...No strike that I know she is in them and all because they " go with the cute sweats she is wearing" now mind you I am bundledup one pair polka dot boots, stipped hand made socks ( gift from Liz) my husbands plaid flannel shirt, long braids with red ties and the famous leopard print headband and black and white rubber gloves oh and the fatigue pants....It does not occur to me what I look like ( CLEARLY) and I only realize this when my parents pull up and my mother rolls her eyes at which time I show her my cool socks!!!None of the animals seem to care as long as I have grain or goodies...I just stopped long enough to get lunch, yes I do know what time it is but I had to repair several things as well as entertain the masses with the farm life that they all envy...I can not but giggle that most of my friends who love to come and snuggle up would not last a week as a ranch hand/wife... There are several friends that are farmers and they are the exception...Most care not for fador fastion none of us would be able to keep anything clean for long to begin with let alone know how to care for sandals....I can only imagine Liz in a pair with one of her crazy cute mini horses trying to nibble at any exposed body part...Goats love toes and I can tell you that our two goods will investigate just about anything...Linda's dog Cody is in a full tizzie as this is the first real farm she has gone to were she can run wild the Alpacas pace her like a school of fish from the otherside of the fence....The poor goats just want to make a new friend of the dog. Goat there of mine at least here is the more the merrier...Out to give beet pulp to the beloved Jezzy....My mom laughted at how huge one small cup will expand too at least 3 quarts...Off to the chores that I have put off...Yes, I'm going out there in the same clothes heck they are not wet or dirty yet...I spent the better part of the morning drilling hole in the 110 gal water tank as Playboy decided to PLAY with the water heater...I resorted to taking the canning jar holder zip stepped it around the floating heater and then zip stripped it all to the edge so goof ball would not pull it out at midnight .... I do not want to sledge hammer ice again, the last time the hammer flew across ice and I was lucky enough not to have it hit one of the horses or myself..Metal and ice meeting one another does not work out well for the most part..My husband should have informed me of this prior to my BIG IDEA!!!

Alpaca House

I spent the last two days building the Alpaca house, it is an Army tent that would take four recruits to put up...But I was out there alone, what does a stubborn Irish, Russian, German Gemini do? She digs in and gets it done. The bitter cold was a help more than I can say. It kept the now ping pong ball knot on my head cold and made the motivation to get it all done as soon as possible. I had to keep a check on the water lines and pipe stands as well as the well and other lines on and to the house...Record cold is on our heels and the news is warning of all kinds of problems we are to expect. Anyway back to the Alpaca tent, this is not a small one 10x13 and the canopy is one solid piece...Liz was kind enough to help with it as the damn thing was huge and weighed past my strength. We manage to shove and pull, me on the wood ladder and Liz below shoving the end up and over the front. The frost on the ladder and my lack of any grace what so ever made a challenging time as well as the snickers that Liz was unable to restrain. We are two peas in a pod and we just bucked up and got it done. We put 4 bags of barn dry down and the 3 bags of fir shavings in the Alpaca house. We decided that the they would be now okay in the cold. All the trees are snapping branches off and I think that a hard hat would be a good idea....The photo yesterday is just off the driveway looking to the back of the ranch. Time to feed and check on the water and face the fridgid day....I have just come back from feeding and was thrilled to see all the Alpacas in their new digs.....They are all covered with frost but seem to be happy...And going in and out of the new house like little kids back and forth....Worth the last two days of none stop back breaking work...My body is wounded with battle scares that would make an Army proud. I am still afraid to to take a shower as the searing pain of water and soap hitting on the open cuts makes me cringe....But at last three cups of coffee and I shall brave the shower...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Big Freeze

Now then the Pacific Northwest is not known to be all that cold, wet yes, cold rarely. I have spent the last few days on the farm getting ready for the Big Freeze. Warnings that we will fall below the 2 yes and the Artic winds will make it yet colder. So I have been building a shelter for the Alpacas...I know that they are use to the very cold...But all the Alpacas we have have been born and raised here...hence my guilt that they have no shelter in the new pasture. So I spent the whole day yesterday in the freezing cold far past dark trying to get it finished.I was so tired that my dinner choice was a bowl of cheerios. Spoke with Liz and she will be out to help me with the final touch ups and to fill the shelter with fir chips...Liz had a good laugh when I told her that when I was 9 years old I hauled my favorite 300# pig into the house and into my bed because I was certain that she ( Judy, the pig) would freeze to death and die in the blizzard...Now being 9 years old you think that 10 inches of snow is a blizzard.....oh the trouble I was in... it is now 30 + years later and I sit here at well below zero wondering if the pigmy goats will be least they are less than 40# each...John would kill me if I even thought of bringing them in...this is of course the same man who informed me upon our first week of being married that cats are to live in the barn. Period....we now have two cats inside fat boy Thomas is the one who gets UNDER the blankets and snores right next to husband.... I can only laught about it....well it is about to be one of the coldest days in the past 20 some years. I was clocked in the eye yesterday and woke with the knot still on my head right above my left was freezing at the time so I felt little until this morning...I suppose within a few moments outside it will feel as it I have an ice pack on it, yet another reason to spend the day outside...As you can tell I'm trying to talk myself into it with a smile...I have a list a mile long including running the water heaters out to the watertanks that are now at risk of freezing solid. The full moon and stars let me just how cold it will be, Thursday and Friday are to be the worst. The folks that live here have no idea how to drive here when it is like this so I plan on not leaving. Other than going to the hardware and feed store I plan on staying put. The pale blue sky is warning me sunrise is here and I must get a move on if I am too finish by dark. Have a good day and stay warm.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A wonderfully Sunny Weekend

Well the full day of homecoming all went as good as a day of chaos could....The three new Alpacas and the pair of goats come to our ranch, their new home is a new and strange place.... The other Alpacas had not been around goats and all was a like new playground...John came in late Friday night and we decided to let the new guys settle in prior to putting the whole herd out in one pasture. So we finished up hog wire and hot wire on Saturday and planned to move our whole herd together on Sunday morning. Well, I being me decided that I would wave the magic grain and all four Alpacas would, like good little boys, follow the momma to the huge pasture that awaited all with new buddies.....I opened up the small gate and NO ONE would venture out...I got behind them , no luck. We left the new pasture gate open and the next thing we knew is all has gone horribly wrong.... We have 7 Alpacas, 2 goats and a huge 200 pound sheep racing out into the fully enclosed property. Now we are faced with a bigger problem. We are but two, old and out of shape and very tired 40+ year olds trying to chase and herd very young Alpacas and the three strays into the now empty pasture. The cats see the free for all and by God if that sheep does not head straight for Jezzy...Who is trying to eat his grain. Jezzy has lost a few pounds and we feed him outside of the paddocks so the two other pigs ( horses) do not run him off the extra rations he is getting...The sheep's best friend ( Jazmine the pygmy goat) are now trying to challenge a 1000 pound horse. Jessy snorts and the 25 pound little goat head butts the huge towering horse as if he an equal. Jessy allows me to run off the annoyances and I then proceed to try and round up the group while my husband chats on his cell phone as if I alone will mange this chaos. Somehow I know he is giving a blow by blow account of the humorous wife now sweating and wondering how he could see my anguish as he continues on with said call... The other pygmy goat, shadow is dutifully on John's heel waiting for attention. I now have the herd close to the gate I scream at John and we have the Alpacas in but not the massive masked sheep ( Lucky Lucy) I inform her she is lucky she wont be dinner if she does not get in there. I am now at wits end and the husband, thank God has lost reception. HAH! He is fed up and heads to the house for his rope...I fear for the very welfare of Lucy.....John swirls rope over head like an old pro I see his eyes glissen as he lets the rope loose, misses head but manages to get the left rear leg...They both struggle for control she wants freedom he wants her to follow by force to the pasture. She goes down and refuses to budge in any way. I am now given the rope and she is very strong we try our own control...We are now both laying on the ground, one girl and one sheep. John tries to lift, push and pull...No way.. All the while Jazmine is nipping and licking Lucy I start to laugh all to John's irritation. I get behind her and now goose her in the rear until she moves...A few feet and we do this for at least 50 feet...She finally heads to gate, I'm hoping that the buddy goat follows..... I am now rewarded with a new ranch wound from the rope and blood is now running down my little finger. Everyone is now in the right place and Jezzy peacefully finishes his food while we decide if it is now our turn to get our breakfast. John is cranky that we have wasted an hour playing rodeo clowns..I can only snicker inside knowing that each car that passed must have been rolling by slowly enjoying a good laugh at our expense. Breakfast goes well and we return to the outdoors to finish moving the goat house about 200 feet. This is a huge box made well and we mount it on a wheel barrow and struggle to keep it balanced over the driveway and over the soggy grass. We lay in the warm pasture and enjoy the antics and the sun for awhile...It is all too soon before he has to leave....The house is a whirlwind train wreck and I am left to clean the debris of our visit and the now pouting Buluga dog....The full moon hangs just above the Cascade Mountains and all is well at the Halleyville Ranch.